“Check out what people are talking about at Waffle House!”
This was the suggestion given to me by Facebook as I was waiting to leave the Hardees parking lot. I go there every morning for a large Coke Zero. Yes, I know what diet soda does to you and no, I don’t care. I did find it kind of amusing that they had a handwritten sign taped to the drive-thru speaker apologizing for having no eggs. No eggs during breakfast, how fun. I mean, there are at least 5 or 6 grocery stores nearby. When I lived in Monroeville, Burger King once ran out of beef patties. That didn’t seem quite as bad since Monroeville is like 90 minutes from any town of respectable size. But no eggs at MY Hardees?
Back to Facebook. It does this from time to time: encourages me to find out what people are talking about at random places. Or “See what’s happening at Wal Mart!” I know what’s happening at Wal Mart. People are buying groceries while wearing mismatched pajamas or leggings and t-shirts – usually light colored t-shirts with a purple bra underneath. Or camo…. lots and lots of camo. Extra points if you are wearing camo leggings with a tan top and a purple bra underneath, and you and your unbathed children get into a pickup with a confederate flag and Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on something on the back window. Oh wait, did that go too far? I think I just crossed the line from funny and sarcastic to mean. I’ll pull back a bit. Sometimes it’s hard to like being southern and dislike being southern at the same time. It all depends on the kind of southern. Antique teacups = good. Came over a beer belly while using bad grammar = bad. Oops, I did it again.
So as well intended as it may have been, I have no interest in seeing what people are talking about in Waffle House. I feel already fully informed on the topics of secondhand smoke, the effect of cigarettes on the female voice, which rest stops have functioning bathrooms, how to achieve the perfect hair bleach/tanning bed ratio, and what style of crocs goes best with a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt. But they do have tasty waffles.
In all fairness, I do believe that almost all Waffles Houses are now non-smoking, which means I could go there and have a waffle and some hash browns (their hash browns are good too, I seem to remember) without receiving a coupon for a cancer screening on the way out. Unless it’s an old Waffle House. There’s just no way to get the smell of body odor and cigarette smoke out of drywall. On a different note, this probably explains why they eventually just bulldozed the Biscuit Village in my hometown. Even the Marlboro Man couldn’t have survived that place!
So thank you, Facebook, for attempting to expand (or constrict) my horizons and airways. But I will decline your most recent invitation. Now, if you could point me in the direction of an establishment with free margaritas and cheap designer shoes…