So I lied about the boots…sort of. In my last post i said I did NOT have knee-high boots. And even though that is sort of true, I feel in the interest of honesty I should confess that I do have a pair of above-the-knee black boots. They lace up the back and have 5 inch heels. I told someone that, and their response was, “Sexy!”
See, that is what I thought they would feel like, but no. I actually felt like a giant post-apocalyptic warrior dominatrix that is 6’2″ and should be carrying twin machine guns. So yeah, I don’t wear them. I spent most of my life looking at other people’s hair parts and being 5 inches taller than my prom date, so I don’t need to be 6’2″.
So why did I lie about the boots? Because I don’t know where the lady line is sometimes. Granted, I pretty much zig-zagged the whole line by writing books with words I still can’t say out loud without mental preparation. But still….I used a pen name, so I could still sort of be a lady. Until I wrote a blog about it. And no, you may not have the pen name.
But it’s all part of that nagging question that the charm school graduate, pageant winning, finger bowl using woman who had my mother for a mother that plagues me when I’m having fun being funny. Can a lady be funny?
I know a woman can be funny. There are funny women all over. I’ve bought tickets to see funny women say funny things. I’ve watched funny women on TV. I’ve read books by funny that had me laughing so hard I came perilously close to a good middle aged sneeze, if you catch my drift. But can a lady be funny? Hmmmmm
I mean, men can talk and write and do stand-up about bodily functions and their sex lives and the way their kids annoy them and their bizarre childhoods, and then they can don a tux and go to the opera (now THAT’s funny) and no one looks sideways. But can a “lady” be funny in all the ways her brain is secretly funny and still give a dinner party using my antique teacup collection. Yes, I have an antique teacup collection. Shut up. They’re pretty. Oh, and for the record, I have no real desire to joke about bodily functions, and any bit I did about my sex life would be…um…minimalist. Kind of like John Cage’s 4’52” (Four Minutes and Fifty Two Seconds). Google that.
Not sure why I’m asking. Maybe so Mom won’t write me out of the will and they won’t try to make me repay my Miss UNA scholarship money? They’ll pry my teacups from my cold dead hands…
It probably doesn’t matter. At this point I already peaked in my ladylikeness anyway. And since I now go to Wal Mart without makeup (I actually went AFTER my workout on Sunday), that ship has sailed anyway. And I think I’m too old for Junior League and too young for Daughters of the Confederacy. So I can probably be as funny as I darn well please.
At least I know I’ll never be too skinny, too tan, too blonde, or own an Infinity SUV. Seriously, you have the money to buy an Infinity and a MOM mobile is what you choose???
So I answered my own question. Thanks for reading. And if you keep on reading, I might show you those boots. Yep, just keep holding your breath for that.